I sit by my mother's favourite lake and chew the dry bread as reality of my life begins to flood in.

My mother left me. Her cancer won, she passed away.

I will never be able to hear her shouting at me again, whining about how I don't take care of myself.

I will never be able to eat the food which she used to prepare by her own hands.

As a kid I used to scrunch my nose at the food she made, my mother never knew how to cook properly but despite that she always tried to do everything for me.

She saw other kids mothers cooking their favourite dishes, feeding them.

I remember how she once made puries so oily that I had to stop myself from gagging right there.

But I never complained, because I knew she was trying her best to make ends meet after dad passed away in war.

She stayed strong to earn money on her own, even when people called her a wench, a bitch, and whatnot behind her back.

But for me, she was the most beautiful woman.

And as my gaze falls on the people few meters away, men lifting my mother's arthi, and taking her body wrapped in white clothes to burn, something inside me twists.

She left me.
I am all alone, an orphan.

I take sip of cold alcohol even though it burns down my throat and makes me feel drowsy.

Mumma hated drunk people, but she is not here now.

Is this freedom or loneliness ?

A whole year, I left my education and took a part time job to work hard and earn money.

Countless loans, some from relatives, some from banks to pay her medical bills.

I frown when I notice water droplets falling over me and then realize it's going to rain soon, the irony. Its like the sky is crying with me.

But this is a little unusual, rain in mid summer ? And that too in place like Ajmer, not quite possible.

I shake my thoughts away and drink the remaining alcohol in one go.

Mom could've taken me too with her.

I wonder if she would be disappointed in me if she is seeing me from above ?

Would she be in heaven right now while I am burning in pits of hell in her absence ?

"I miss you ma !" My voice sounds foreign to my own ears, hoarse, and painfully sad like the ugly weather.

I hate this rain.
I hate this day.

I cannot take this anymore, the absence of her is killing me. Ans maybe, maybe the pain of actually dying would be much peaceful, much better.

Atleast I will be able to be with her after death.

I throw the glass bottle aside which crashes against a rock and then look back.

Several women sit around my mother's small house, wearing white and mourning her loss.

I hazily step into the lake, the water pulling me inside as if calling me.

Its cold, too cold especially in this heavy rain and thunder but no pain or discomfort surrounds me as the level reaches to my neck and then finally swallows me whole.

At first I struggle, gag to breathe but eventually give up, maybe alcohol taking its effect and the dense current sweeping me in it.

Please maa, come and take me. I hope I see you when I reach up there.
I want to be with you maa, please don't leave your little girl alone.

A thunder strikes heavily in sky, the rain getting more intense and suddenly everything goes calm as I close my eyes.

Calm like calm before the storm.

And I let the storm engulf me, the water accept me as I stop moving and finally sink.

My eyes close and I smile.

Your Tara will always be with you maa...

♡♡

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